Are you still fighting?

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One of the hardest things in any relationship is to truly listen to the other person.  It means putting your own thoughts and feelings on the side long enough to truly hear the other person.  Unfortunately most couples never learn how to do this.  There is no Relationship 101 in school;  If you are reading this article than your probably didn’t have the greatest role models at home to teach you how to resolve an argument.

I guess a question to ask ourselves is:  “Do I want to win this argument or Do I want to resolve this problem.”  You may or may not be surprised to your own response to this question.  Most people choose winning.  Most people are invested in proving that they are obviously right and their partner should see the light.

The good news is when you win you feel justified.  The bad news: if you win the argument, both of you lose.  No one feels good when they lose and argument, and they are certainly are not going to feel warm to their partner.  The most often response is withdrawal, so the winners feel righteous but they have lost the presence of their partner.  Often the winner talks faster, is more convincing, puts their thoughts to better more quickly.  This leaves the other person feeling bad about themselves, often saying that I just don’t argue as well.  If you truly want to hear solve the problem, than you really need to put yourself in the shoes of your partner.Why is that?  No one, I mean no one, likes to be criticized, be told that the way they do things is wrong.

I think the bulk of us actually need a class in relationship 101.  Sometimes that class is available in workshops, sometimes within  individual therapy.   Most couples believe that they have had successful therapy if they feel they experience the ability to resolve issues at home.

We at Golden Gate Counseling hope that we can make ourselves obsolete by teaching you how to be successful without us.

Who should come out first? To the Parents of Gay Children

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I think most gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people struggle to come out to their family.  There is much written about the causes of this.  Often I hear my clients say that I haven’t come out to my grandfather but I know that he knows and accepts me.   I also hear family or friends say that I know that my son is gay, my daughter is a lesbian or I think my child has gender issues.

These are the people I am directing this article at.   What are you waiting for?  Why are you waiting?  The amount of agony and years that usually go by before a child comes out to their parents or siblings is heartbreaking and tragic.  Imagine that your son or daughter, brother or sister could skip 100’s of hours of therapy and thousands of hours of anxiety fear and depression.  Imagine that they could spend there time living and openly sharing their lives with you.  What if they could come home and introduce you to their boyfriend or girlfriend?

As soon as you begin to know that you may have a gay, bi or trans child, it is really up to you to begin coming out.  What does that mean?

1) Start with having the goal to accept and comprehend your child.    Seek support groups, read articles, talk to other parents, seek supportive professionals.

2) Find out who else in the family will be supportive of you and your children.

3) Create an atmosphere of openness with your family.  Show support to gay issues as you read about them or see them on television.

4) Each parent will need to find the best way to let your child know that you support their sexual orientation whether they are straight or gay.

These are some steps to coming out as a parent of gay child.  There are many more and each parent will go through their own unique way of coming out.

Most of our children seek acceptance, however, if it is possible give them more.  Celebrate their life with them.

Please contact us if you need help with this endeavor.  We will be happy to help you make this happen.

 

I think most gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people struggle to come out to their family.  There is much written about the causes of this.  Often I hear my clients say that I haven’t come out to my grandfather but I know that he knows and accepts me.   I also hear family or friends say that I know that my son is gay, my daughter is a lesbian or I think my child has gender issues.

These are the people I am directing this article at.   What are you waiting for?  Why are you waiting?  The amount of agony and years that usually go by before a child comes out to their parents or siblings is heartbreaking and tragic.  Imagine that your son or daughter, brother or sister could skip 100’s of hours of therapy and thousands of hours of anxiety fear and depression.  Imagine that they could spend there time living and openly sharing their lives with you.  What if they could come home and introduce you to their boyfriend or girlfriend?

As soon as you begin to know that you may have a gay, bi or trans child, it is really up to you to begin coming out.  What does that mean?

1) Start with having the goal to accept and comprehend your child.    Seek support groups, read articles, talk to other parents, seek supportive professionals.

2) Find out who else in the family will be supportive of you and your children.

3) Create an atmosphere of openness with your family.  Show support to gay issues as you read about them or see them on television.

4) Each parent will need to find the best way to let your child know that you support their sexual orientation whether they are straight or gay.

These are some steps to coming out as a parent of gay child.  There are many more and each parent will go through their own unique way of coming out.

Most of our children seek acceptance, however, if it is possible give them more.  Celebrate their life with them.

The way you let your child know that you know or have intuited will change their lives forever. This may seem overstated, however, this is one of the major questions that gay people ask of each other. Are you out to your family? How did they handle it? How close are you to them? There is no one in your child’s life that is more important to them. You can make a big difference in a good or bad adolescence.

Please contact us if you need help with this endeavor.  We will be happy to help you make this happen.

Brainspotting: the new EMDR

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Brainspotting which is very successful with trauma, has so many benefits for every client who comes to see me.  It has become the most important tool that I use when  a client is stuck in any area of their lives.  I may be talking with a client who appears stuck in a certain area of their life.  I Brainspot that issue by having them identify the experience of the issue in their body.  After locating the physical experience of the issue, we gently allow the negative energy to dissipate.  The client can still talk about the issue, but talking about it comes from a much deeper place of truth, therefore having a much deeper release.

Unconscious Racism, Sexism and Homophobia in Counseling and Therapy

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There are many things to look for when you are looking for a therapist or a counselor. Many people of a marginalized group know to look for someone who understands their background. However, many experts may be members of the dominant culture: straight, white, Christian Male. Beware of anyone who says they are not racist, sexist or homophobic (heterosexist). By definition, if we are born in this culture then are all of the above. If we are a member of any of these minorities then we carry an internal oppressor.

When choosing a therapist. Ask a minimum of three questions:

How have you dealt with your racism, sexism or homophobia?*

Are you willing for me to tell you when you have made a blunder?

Are you willing to learn from me?

Unless this mental health professional can answer these three questions in a way that you feel comfortable, thank them and look for someone else.

As a gay man it never occurred to me that I could be sexist, but after a long debate with a woman, I began to realize that gay or not, I am still a man. I have had unearned privileges that go along with being a man. I can walk down the street at night and feel relatively safe. I am allowed to speak when I want. In other words, in a group, I can take up space. Men tend to interrupt woman and an unaware facilitator will not notice. These are a few of the many unearned privileges that I have been given just by being born a “white” man.

There is another danger when choosing a therapist who is not aware of issues of power.

The client may easily believe that they are the source of all there problems. The American myth that all our problems are self induced continues to be perpetuated. Another important thing is to remember that the moment you walk into a therapist’s office, there is already an issue of power. The therapist is an “expert”. If the individual and the therapist are not careful, the client can be deeply hurt. Lastly, (for the moment), this does not mean that therapy is a bad thing. It means it is important to interview and find the right therapist: the therapist that is uniquely sensitive to your culture and who is willing to be taught.

*There are many other examples of oppression. What if your therapist has issues of size, age, religion. I once had a therapist who tried to convert me to Christianity. Each of us needs to look at how we might be discriminated against.

The Evolution of Porn and Addiction

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Sex addiction is the fastest growing compulsive behavior in our nation. There are some studies that say that it is the #1 addiction.

For straight men it normally begins with an innocent discovery of porn as a pre-teen or teenager. For some this is as far as it goes, with maybe occasional use as an adult. For others it becomes an daily expression of sexuality that may eat up hours a day. Before the internet, teens had to steal porn from stores; adults had to visit an adult bookstore. Then the internet arrived, and people needed to go no further than their personal computer to find access to millions of websites that would satisfy any taste, or pleasure. Many straight men go on to visit strip clubs, massage parlors and prostitutes. Some become voyeurs, exhibitionists or predators. These people cannot be stopped and the behavior needs to be treated like any other addiction.

Gay men have it easier in many ways. Sex is available 24/7 at many locations, mostly for free. It may also start with porn, and move on to phone sex, cyber-sex and then real people. It takes place in bathrooms, bookstores, parks, and rest areas. Most gay men can have occasional connections, but there are many whose lives center around the next sexual hit.

Though the behaviors are different, the consequences are the same: a lifestyle that reduces the functionality in all areas of life. Relationships, jobs, education, and all areas of a person’s life can be affected.

This is not a moral issue. This is a disease that is becoming more pervasive. With the access of these websites to our children, we run the risk of a tidal wave of deeply damaged individuals.

Recovery of a Sex and Porn Addict With the Help of Their Spouse

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In my 20 years of dealing with sex addiction and porn addiction, I have recently realized that the chances of success are exponentially improved if the partner of the addict is included in the therapy and recovery process. This is especially true if one or both of them get into 12 step recovery. The addicts that bring in there partner seems to be recovering at a ratio of 5 to one. There are also meetings where the couple can recover together. Those addicts that bring in their partner stay sober at a rate of 5 to 1.

Some of the reasons seem to be:

  • The Partner shows great commitment to the relationship if they agree to be in conjoint therapy.
  • They are able to hold their partner more accountable than the counselor or therapist.
  • They are able to remind the addict that even though the addict is making changes, it will take a long time to regain trust.

The addict should not expect a lot acknowledgment for the first steps they take. The addict commonly says: I don’t understand why she/he is not accepting more, it has been a month.

It may be unconventional but I will treat both the addict and the partner, individually and/or together. Often each one needs a space to explore issues in more depth before they are able to bring it to the couples counseling. I often schedule a 2 hour bloc of time so that they can decide what they need for that day. Given the opportunity the couple does know how their treatment needs to proceed. I will not divulge secrets, but I make clear when I think that they have no choice but to let their partners know the full extent of the addiction. I allow this to happen in their own time. The addict is often surprised that their partner would rather know the full extent of the problems, rather than be kept in the dark. Not disclosing to the partner is one more lie. Partners have great intuition of when they are not being told the full truth.

I remember a particular case where the husband had told his wife almost everything he had done except the use of prostitutes. The wife was pregnant so he was afraid that the info would put her over the top. Though she was deeply hurt that this happened, and even warned that this would be the last straw, in the end she found some solace in finally knowing that she now knew the whole truth. The amazing end of this story is the child has a father: A dad that is totally involved in the mysterious gift of raising a child.

Can Online Porn Become an Addiction?

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The new world of pornography starts with a computer. In times past, someone had to leave their home, drive to a store to purchase, rent or watch pornography. Those days ended with the Internet. Now pornography is only one click away. People, mostly men, (though 30% of porn watchers are women) can spend hours a day hiding in front of their computer screen. This behavior is a prerequisite to a diagnosis of sex addiction.

There are several behaviors that are signs of porn addiction. They include some of the following:

  • You fail to meet obligations
  • You watch pornography during work hours
  • You have recurring problems in your relationships
  • You spend lots of money that is probably allocated for basic needs
  • You hide what you do from others
  • Your sex life is less satisfying than your fantasy life

These behaviors are not limited to time online. Fantasy begins to take over one’s life. Men tend to spend much of their waking life thinking about sex. The images that one sees on the computer can be indelibly imprinted in the mind. These fantasies are available 24 hours a day.

Addiction is a way to soothe oneself, when unwanted feelings arise. Men are taught at a very young age that feelings are for women, or sissies. Real men need to be strong, crying is not allowed. When feelings of sadness, anger, or even love arise, men do not know how to react. They will want to reduce the anxiety. The internet will and provide an instant a respite from uncomfortable experiences. The problem is that once the behavior stops the feelings may return. In order to prevent this, more of the addiction is needed.

You may ask yourself: “how do I get out of this vicious cycle?”

Since pornography is done mostly in isolation, the quickest way to begin recovery is to get help from others. The first time one asks for help can be very difficult. The first call for help feels like impossibility. The shame that is involved with this addiction has no boundaries. Alcoholics no longer need to hide their problem. Sex addicts are spurned by the culture and live lonely lives hidden from everyone. The porn addict may not know that they are suffering with millions of other people. Once the first call for help is made a person’s life may change forever.